Dear 2017

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Free stock photo of date, tablet, calendar, displayDear 2017,

I had such high hopes for you.

Since 1997, every ten years I’ve had a really good year.

1997 was the best year of my life. I had two boyfriends, love, sex, a job I liked, my own small but cute home, and lots of good friends with whom I had many good times.

2007 was a great year too. My boyfriend was long distance, but he loved and supported me. I did a work exchange at a writer’s retreat and spent a month writing poems. I got the best job of my life. I created art and had wonderful friends.

So I had great expectations for you, 2017. You were going to be my year, a much deserved respite action, background, blurfrom the hardships of the last decade.

You started out with a bang, 2017.

I’d just self-published my first book, Confessions of a Work Camper: Tales from the Woods I thought surely everyone in the world would want to read it.

Then I met a wonderful man. There was hot sex, and I fell in love with him. He seemed to like me as much as I liked him. We had deep conversations, laughed a lot, and snuggled. Life was GOOD and I woke up happy and excited to face each day.

You gave me everything I wanted for my birthday, 2017. I soaked in hot mineral water with the man I liked so much. I ate pie and ice cream in the park with friends. The fellow and I ate pizza for dinner, and later had nice birthday sex. It was a wonderful celebration of my life.

White and Red Plastic Heart Balloon on Sky during DaytimeBy the beginning of spring, the man had become The Man, and he said he wanted to be with me, to live and travel with me. He built a big bed in my van, a bed big enough for the two of us and the dog to sleep and snuggle . I was on top of the world.

What happened, 2017? Why’d you start falling apart after that?

Living in the van together was too much togetherness. The quarrels started. The Man’s constant mental state of indecision and flux made me nervous and irritable. My fear of being broke went against The Man’s belief that the Universe will always provide just enough.

The middle part of you got harder, 2017. The Man and I went through a series of break-ups and getting back togethers. We were working together and sharing a campsite and my heart hurt so much to be close to him but not be his partner. I know I wasn’t always as nice as I should have been while I tried to protect my heart.

I was joyous, yet cautious the last time he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Maybe you were going to come through for me after all, 2017. I told him yes.

You know the rest of the story, 2017.

The Man and I spent a month apart, but we talked on the phone seveal times a day. Every time we talked, he asked when I was coming “home.” He told me he loved me and missed me. Yet less than two weeks after we’d reunited, he told me again that the relationship was over. He wanted to be alone, he said. We wanted different things, he said. I knew this was it for the two of us, unless someday he’d want to be committed or I’d want to be casual. My heart was shredded, but I knew being apart was best for both of us.

Why’d you let me down, 2017? I was really counting on you.

But now you’re over and I have to let you go too.

Thanks for the lessons, 2017, and thanks for the memories as well.

In disappointment, grief, and yes, hope too,

Blaize

 

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About Blaize Sun

My name is Blaize Sun. Maybe that's the name my family gave me; maybe it's not. In any case, that's the name I'm using here and now. I've been a rubber tramp for nearly a decade.I like to see places I've never seen before, and I like to visit the places I love again and again. For most of my years on the road, my primary residence was my van. For almost half of the time I was a van dweller, I was going it alone. Now my (male) partner and I (a woman) have a travel trailer we can pull with our truck. We have a little piece of property, and when we're not traveling, we park our little camper there. I was a work camper in a remote National Forest recreation area on a mountain for four seasons. I was a camp host and parking lot attendant for two seasons and wrote a book about my experiences called Confessions of a Work Camper: Tales from the Woods. During the last two seasons as a work camper on that mountain, I was a clerk in a campground store. I'm also a house and pet sitter, and I pick up odd jobs when I can. I'm primarily a writer, but I also create beautiful little collages; hand make hemp jewelry and warm, colorful winter hats; and use my creative and artistic skills to decorate my life and brighten the lives of others. My goal (for my writing and my life) is to be real. I don't like fake, and I don't want to share fake. I want to share my authentic thoughts and feelings. I want to give others space and permission to share their authentic selves. Sometimes I think the best way to support others is to leave them alone and allow them to be. I am more than just a rubber tramp artist. I'm fat. I'm funny. I'm flawed. I try to be kind. I'm often grouchy. I am awed by the stars in the dark desert night. I hope my writing moves people. If my writing makes someone laugh or cry or feel angry or happy or troubled or comforted, I have done my job. If my writing makes someone think and question and try a little harder, I've done my job. If my writing opens a door for someone, changes a life, I have done my job well. I hope you enjoy my blog posts, my word and pictures, the work I've done to express myself in a way others will understand. I hope you appreciate the time and energy I put into each post. I hope you will click the like button each time you like what you have read. I hope you will share posts with the people in your life. I hope you'll leave a comment and share your authentic self with me and this blog's other readers. Thank you for reading.  A writer without readers is very sad indeed.

6 Responses »

  1. I guess I see it differently. I think 2017 didn’t let you down at all. I think it led you to end a relationship that wasn’t right for you. It was good and fun for awhile but it got stale. Like stale bread, if you catch it in time you can salvage it and use it to make something great like croutons. But you can’t eat a sandwich on a crouton. It just doesn’t satisfy. Lol.
    I think 2017 may have given you a gift of not having to live with uncertainty or with the emotional roller coaster of someone who no longer sees who you really are.
    So, who are you?
    Seems to me you’re strong, smart, you have good intuition about people, you don’t take a lot of crap, but you’re willing to take some, you’re quite positive all in all, you have good judgement, you will hard and you’re creative. You have been able to make your world and accept it, for better or for worse.
    You’re doing fine. I think you’re great.

  2. I’m sure you don’t remember me, but we met at RTR 2016. I’ve read every one of your posts since then and enjoy them very much. God only gives us challenges that He knows we can handle. Have a little faith, a little patience and be thankful for all you have received. He has plans for all of us. We just don’t get to see them in advance. Perhaps yours is the positive influence you give your readers. Keep up the good work, safe travels and God Bless. Perhaps our paths will cross again at RTR 2018.

    David (a bus called HANNAH)

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